I found out the hard way that taking your child or children to a Flyers' game will not win you a "Father of the year" award. In fact, it might even warrant a call from the authorities.
You know how they had a few bombs dropped in Japan about 65 years ago? Multiply that amount by 500, and imagine all of the bombs have transformed into actual F Bombs.
My nephews, who are 9 and 7, luckily, seemed not to absorb too much from a half pissed off and half pissed Philadelphia crowd.
It all started when the opening introductions for the opposing team began. The announcer's voice sounded on the PA "Forward Sean Avery" followed by "sucks" from the Philadelphia crowd. This occurred each time a new Ranger player was introduced. I found it classless but I expected nothing less from Flyers' fans. Luckily, the crowd was in a good mood because the Flyers scored first. That kept the cursewords to a minimum. Then the Rangers scored a shorthanded goal and the verbal fuckfest was on!
The first people to get fucked were the few unlucky Rangers' fans who were sitting in the lower level. They told a balding fat guy to go the f back to New York and go f his wife and the taxi she drives, etc. At that point I was glad I was not wearing a Rangers Jersey, lest the wrath of the Flyers fans rain down on me.
There was a brief respite from using the f bomb, when the crowd starting screaming "asshole, asshole, asshole" ad nauseum after the ref made one of his bad calls. It was then that the greasy Jesus (guy sitting next to me) and the guy with the double chin starting saying the ref was f-ing blind, what f-ing game was he watching, that check was f-ing illegal, etc. Shortly after, they graduated to sentences like "that douchebag just grabbed his stick."
Keep in mind that the Flyers are supposed to present a family atmosphere so that people will feel comfortable bringing their kids to the game. My advice is, unless you have a box with soundproof glass, don't bring them. You expect there to be fights and stick-swinging maniacs playing hockey, but the fans of Philadelphia said expressions that would have made Chris Rock and George Carlin (if he could) blush. I don't want my kid asking "Daddy why did that man say
to f that other man and the f-ing horse he rode in on?" What's wrong with that man's horse?"
Man, Flyers' fans are real assholes.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, June 27, 2008
When the hell did the Phillies forget how to hit
As you'll recall from my previous post, "I've been sucked in" I told you that I would get caught up in the Phillies playing so well and that ultimately they would disappoint me. I just didn't expect that disappointment to arrive so soon.
The Phillies have been playing some really putrid baseball for almost the entire month of June. At the beginning of the year, everyone was concerned about their pitching. We need another starting pitcher or we need another arm in the bullpen, etc. Well, by in large, with the exception of our buddy Mr. Brett Myers (3-9, 5.84 Era, 1.56 Whip) the starting pitching has been fairly decent. Cole Hamels will anchor the rotation for years to come. The bullpen, despite featuring the likes of Tom Gordon and Ryan Madson, have the best era in the majors. The hitting was supposed to be the strong point. I don't care if you have Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, and Nolan Ryan all in their primes. If you score 2 runs or less almost every game, you won't win.
We knew they were going to strike out a lot, but we also knew they were going to score runs, hit for power, and pick up men in scoring position. Well, all that is now out the window. Prior to their win last night, the Phillies had left a total of 77 (Seventy Seven) men on base during their six game losing streak. 77 men! I don't think Madonna had that many on her "Like a Virgin" Tour. Now we get to the projected strike out totals for the year. Let's start with honorable mention: Mr. Chase Utley, 101K. It used to be Chase was the best hitting second baseman in the game, and he has put up some respectable numbers this year. But for a hitter that has a .299 career average, 101 strikeouts is too many. He has looked very badly in the last three weeks. Second place goes to Mr. Pat "The Bat" Burrell - 132K. He was as hot as any Philly during April and May, but hasn't done anything in the last month, aside from creating a lot of breezes. Our Gold Medalist, of course, is Mr. Ryan Howard - 224K. 224K in a projected 608 at bats! Less than 1 out of every three at bats, he strikes out. Last year, he set the record with 199Ks, which he seems destined to far surpass this year. Since his MVP season in 2006 (which he still struck out 181 times, but hit .313 with 58 home runs and 149RBis) his production has slowly gone south. 2007- Fewer home runs, runs scored, RBIs, and lower batting average. The aforementioned 199Ks. 2008 - .214 average. It looks to me that he is just guessing at the plate. If I was pitching against him, I would throw him, hook after hook, slider after slider. It used to be that if a pitcher made a mistake and left a pitch up or threw one right down the middle, you knew Howard would take you yard. He's swung through way too many of those pitches this year.
The production woes don't end with those players, however. Let's talk about last year's MVP, Jimmy Rollins. First, he misses most of April and half of May because he tried to come back too soon from an ankle injury. Secondly, his numbers, when he has been in the lineup, are simply pedestrian. .265, 6HRs, 27RBIs. He's been as cold as anyone during June. Other players, ranging from average to awful have done nothing to ease the burden. Jeff Jenkins was 0 for his last 27 going into Thursday's game. Werth has been inconsistent. Why they would ever play Ruiz over Coste is anyone's guess. Coste's batting average is about 65 points higher than Ruiz's, plus he hits for more power and is better with runners in scoring position. Pedro Feliz, who was expected to help improve the offense at third base, has also done little since May. Right now he's hitting .264 with 9Hrs and 39 RBIs. An improvement over Wes Helms for sure, but still not great. Victorino has also been inconsistent. He was the lightning rod that helped them win the Braves' series, but has not even shown up on the radar for the past month. I know every team hits cold snaps, but this one is beyond anything I can remember.
The good news is is that despite how horrible they have been playing, they are still in first place - only because the Marlins have been playing terrible ball as well. Shuffling the order is not the answer. Maybe Milt Thompson, the hitting coach, needs to go. Maybe everyone needs to take some extra BP. Maybe they need to see a sports Psychiatrist. Whatever they need to do - they better start soon. Their heads and their hearts are just not in it right now.
The Phillies have been playing some really putrid baseball for almost the entire month of June. At the beginning of the year, everyone was concerned about their pitching. We need another starting pitcher or we need another arm in the bullpen, etc. Well, by in large, with the exception of our buddy Mr. Brett Myers (3-9, 5.84 Era, 1.56 Whip) the starting pitching has been fairly decent. Cole Hamels will anchor the rotation for years to come. The bullpen, despite featuring the likes of Tom Gordon and Ryan Madson, have the best era in the majors. The hitting was supposed to be the strong point. I don't care if you have Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, and Nolan Ryan all in their primes. If you score 2 runs or less almost every game, you won't win.
We knew they were going to strike out a lot, but we also knew they were going to score runs, hit for power, and pick up men in scoring position. Well, all that is now out the window. Prior to their win last night, the Phillies had left a total of 77 (Seventy Seven) men on base during their six game losing streak. 77 men! I don't think Madonna had that many on her "Like a Virgin" Tour. Now we get to the projected strike out totals for the year. Let's start with honorable mention: Mr. Chase Utley, 101K. It used to be Chase was the best hitting second baseman in the game, and he has put up some respectable numbers this year. But for a hitter that has a .299 career average, 101 strikeouts is too many. He has looked very badly in the last three weeks. Second place goes to Mr. Pat "The Bat" Burrell - 132K. He was as hot as any Philly during April and May, but hasn't done anything in the last month, aside from creating a lot of breezes. Our Gold Medalist, of course, is Mr. Ryan Howard - 224K. 224K in a projected 608 at bats! Less than 1 out of every three at bats, he strikes out. Last year, he set the record with 199Ks, which he seems destined to far surpass this year. Since his MVP season in 2006 (which he still struck out 181 times, but hit .313 with 58 home runs and 149RBis) his production has slowly gone south. 2007- Fewer home runs, runs scored, RBIs, and lower batting average. The aforementioned 199Ks. 2008 - .214 average. It looks to me that he is just guessing at the plate. If I was pitching against him, I would throw him, hook after hook, slider after slider. It used to be that if a pitcher made a mistake and left a pitch up or threw one right down the middle, you knew Howard would take you yard. He's swung through way too many of those pitches this year.
The production woes don't end with those players, however. Let's talk about last year's MVP, Jimmy Rollins. First, he misses most of April and half of May because he tried to come back too soon from an ankle injury. Secondly, his numbers, when he has been in the lineup, are simply pedestrian. .265, 6HRs, 27RBIs. He's been as cold as anyone during June. Other players, ranging from average to awful have done nothing to ease the burden. Jeff Jenkins was 0 for his last 27 going into Thursday's game. Werth has been inconsistent. Why they would ever play Ruiz over Coste is anyone's guess. Coste's batting average is about 65 points higher than Ruiz's, plus he hits for more power and is better with runners in scoring position. Pedro Feliz, who was expected to help improve the offense at third base, has also done little since May. Right now he's hitting .264 with 9Hrs and 39 RBIs. An improvement over Wes Helms for sure, but still not great. Victorino has also been inconsistent. He was the lightning rod that helped them win the Braves' series, but has not even shown up on the radar for the past month. I know every team hits cold snaps, but this one is beyond anything I can remember.
The good news is is that despite how horrible they have been playing, they are still in first place - only because the Marlins have been playing terrible ball as well. Shuffling the order is not the answer. Maybe Milt Thompson, the hitting coach, needs to go. Maybe everyone needs to take some extra BP. Maybe they need to see a sports Psychiatrist. Whatever they need to do - they better start soon. Their heads and their hearts are just not in it right now.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I Seen Geddy, He Looky Real Old
On June 14th, after Trinks dance recital, Metsfan came down and we got into the van with my friend and his friend and daughter to go and see Rush at the Wachovia Center. Nothingknew will surely make fun of me for this as he always says I am unaware that there was music created after 1980. I would argue that there was more sucky music created after 1980 then in the entire history of music, combined. For some reason, Buster Poindexter's Hot-Hot-Hot and it's poor man's cousin, Electric Avenue, by Eddie Grant, come to mind, But I digress.
Anyway, the drive to the Wachovia Center was the type of drive loved by Preparation H (or Tucks Medicated Pads, if you go that way) - a real pain in the ass. We drove up 495 to 95, no trouble there. Then we got within 2 miles of Broadstreet and we barely moved. The exit on Broadstreet was more full than Kate Moss after a binge at Old Country Buffet. Relying on my past instances of driving in from the New Jersey side, I decided to blow past all this traffic, switch onto 76, and take Packer (insert euphemism here) Avenue to 10th street and turn down that way. It worked out great, until we hit where 10th and Broad Intersect. Just for the hell of it, I decided to go straight where everyone else was going right and ended up cruising through a few sets of gates. The gates led out onto some road that looked right out of the opening credits for Night Court, and we were winding our way around the stadium trying to find one damn gate that was actually opened. I had literally just passed a gate when they opened it behind me. After the 2 cars behind me uturned, I decided to go for it and last we were inside about 7:15, 15 mins before the show was supposed to start. Along the way we had found out that the Philadelphia Soul were playing at the Spectrum and Jimmy Buffet was playing at Citizens Bank Park. I should add that this was the first time I had ever seen anyone wear hula skirts and eye patches in South Philly (unless there is some flamingly gay street gang that I am unaware of). We remarked that it should be a lot less crowded leaving since most Jimmy Buffet songs are about 4 minutes long and eventually he would run out of material. Despite AC/DCs success to the contrary, there are only so many songs you can sing related to sex and drinking.
Once inside the stadium, the Irish Curse, as I will call him, had to remind me to stop him from spending an additional $75 on a shirt that he had previously bought at the last concert. My remark to him was "I should have stopped you from the 8 or 9 beers you had prior to buying said shirt."
So we make our way down to the seats and boy did we have good ones. We had sixth row about half way between the stage and the back of the stadium. For once, I would not have to shift back and forth trying to get a clear path of sight, like we had to at the E-Center, or whatever the hell they are now calling it. Also, I wouldn't have to try and do that behind a 350lb guy that barely fit in the seat. If you've never been to a Rush concert, you might not know that such an eclectic mix of hard rock fans existed. You had everything from biker guys, women in their 50s who used be hot, current hot women, pasty white men, and kids - Yes, Nothingknew, there is a new generation of Rush fans. Right behind us and to the side of us were kids under the age of 18. The decrepit old men (in their 50s) who sat in front of me could not even stand up for an hour and a half without complaining (Oy, I got such a crick in the neck).
The show ends up starting about 20 mins late, which was great since my last friend, arriving from NJ had almost suffered a heart attack running across the parking lot trying to be in time for the show. They opened with "Limelight" - always a crowd-pleaser. I forgot just how loud an indoor show can be, since the last 3 I had been to were all outside. You couldn't hear much except the music. One thing that was noticed right away when the concert started is how old the band looked. I'm not sure what I was expecting, since they are all nearing 55. In five years I can take one of them to a movie for a senior citizen discount. Looking old does not equate to sounding old or having to fudge music, somewhat like what Phil Collins had to do for some of his drumrolls on the Genesis tour. The band was as tight as ever. We were all trying to figure out what the videos before, during intermission, and after the show was over were about. The main theme was chicken. Yes, chicken. On stage, one of the props they used were actually three sets of rotisserie chicken roasters, and during one of the songs a guy dressed in a chicken suit came out and fiddled with the roasters. Perhaps Nothingknew can come up with some explanation of this theme.
The band played for a total of three hours. Geddy can still hit the high notes on "Freewill". Alex is good as ever, and Neil is still the best drummer around. After the show ended we all met back at the van and the drive back, although still fraught with traffic, was far better then going there.
Anyway, the drive to the Wachovia Center was the type of drive loved by Preparation H (or Tucks Medicated Pads, if you go that way) - a real pain in the ass. We drove up 495 to 95, no trouble there. Then we got within 2 miles of Broadstreet and we barely moved. The exit on Broadstreet was more full than Kate Moss after a binge at Old Country Buffet. Relying on my past instances of driving in from the New Jersey side, I decided to blow past all this traffic, switch onto 76, and take Packer (insert euphemism here) Avenue to 10th street and turn down that way. It worked out great, until we hit where 10th and Broad Intersect. Just for the hell of it, I decided to go straight where everyone else was going right and ended up cruising through a few sets of gates. The gates led out onto some road that looked right out of the opening credits for Night Court, and we were winding our way around the stadium trying to find one damn gate that was actually opened. I had literally just passed a gate when they opened it behind me. After the 2 cars behind me uturned, I decided to go for it and last we were inside about 7:15, 15 mins before the show was supposed to start. Along the way we had found out that the Philadelphia Soul were playing at the Spectrum and Jimmy Buffet was playing at Citizens Bank Park. I should add that this was the first time I had ever seen anyone wear hula skirts and eye patches in South Philly (unless there is some flamingly gay street gang that I am unaware of). We remarked that it should be a lot less crowded leaving since most Jimmy Buffet songs are about 4 minutes long and eventually he would run out of material. Despite AC/DCs success to the contrary, there are only so many songs you can sing related to sex and drinking.
Once inside the stadium, the Irish Curse, as I will call him, had to remind me to stop him from spending an additional $75 on a shirt that he had previously bought at the last concert. My remark to him was "I should have stopped you from the 8 or 9 beers you had prior to buying said shirt."
So we make our way down to the seats and boy did we have good ones. We had sixth row about half way between the stage and the back of the stadium. For once, I would not have to shift back and forth trying to get a clear path of sight, like we had to at the E-Center, or whatever the hell they are now calling it. Also, I wouldn't have to try and do that behind a 350lb guy that barely fit in the seat. If you've never been to a Rush concert, you might not know that such an eclectic mix of hard rock fans existed. You had everything from biker guys, women in their 50s who used be hot, current hot women, pasty white men, and kids - Yes, Nothingknew, there is a new generation of Rush fans. Right behind us and to the side of us were kids under the age of 18. The decrepit old men (in their 50s) who sat in front of me could not even stand up for an hour and a half without complaining (Oy, I got such a crick in the neck).
The show ends up starting about 20 mins late, which was great since my last friend, arriving from NJ had almost suffered a heart attack running across the parking lot trying to be in time for the show. They opened with "Limelight" - always a crowd-pleaser. I forgot just how loud an indoor show can be, since the last 3 I had been to were all outside. You couldn't hear much except the music. One thing that was noticed right away when the concert started is how old the band looked. I'm not sure what I was expecting, since they are all nearing 55. In five years I can take one of them to a movie for a senior citizen discount. Looking old does not equate to sounding old or having to fudge music, somewhat like what Phil Collins had to do for some of his drumrolls on the Genesis tour. The band was as tight as ever. We were all trying to figure out what the videos before, during intermission, and after the show was over were about. The main theme was chicken. Yes, chicken. On stage, one of the props they used were actually three sets of rotisserie chicken roasters, and during one of the songs a guy dressed in a chicken suit came out and fiddled with the roasters. Perhaps Nothingknew can come up with some explanation of this theme.
The band played for a total of three hours. Geddy can still hit the high notes on "Freewill". Alex is good as ever, and Neil is still the best drummer around. After the show ended we all met back at the van and the drive back, although still fraught with traffic, was far better then going there.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I have a weird effect on women
Most men would admit thay they would be pleased if multiple women dropped to their knees right in front of them. As I've been married for 11 years now, it hasn't happenned in a good way for quite a while. Umm, anyway back to the point.
Most of you know I work at a BFC (insert your own definition for the "F"), where the work can be mind-numblingly boring and start you staring at your screen like a second-grader trying to figure out the tip on a check. Such as instance occured twice while I was innocently not really paying attention and going about my day. The know-it-all who sits diagonally to me was explaining to someone how you can effectively make cheese that is safe for cats when - Boom! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! I look across from me and woman had tripped over her open bottom desk drawer and fell like a sack of bricks. It shook the floor and I was sure she was hurt. To her credit, she bounced back up like Rocky after being knocked down by Drago for the third or fourth time. After she said she was all right, I felt at ease to let out a laugh. Nothing sets off a big knee slapper like a woman almost knocking herself unconscious.
Ok, so a couple of weeks go by. I am still tickled by this first woman's fall, when - Crash! The woman behind this first woman who tripped goes down even harder. This woman is also older so this time I was sure she was hurt. But again, displaying the heart of a true champion, she got up and took her medicine. That medicine happenned to be dispensed by me in the form of a witty remark or two, which every once and a while needs a freshining. They are biding their time, waiting for me to trip and fall. Then, all hell will break loose. Let's hope that day never comes.
Most of you know I work at a BFC (insert your own definition for the "F"), where the work can be mind-numblingly boring and start you staring at your screen like a second-grader trying to figure out the tip on a check. Such as instance occured twice while I was innocently not really paying attention and going about my day. The know-it-all who sits diagonally to me was explaining to someone how you can effectively make cheese that is safe for cats when - Boom! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! I look across from me and woman had tripped over her open bottom desk drawer and fell like a sack of bricks. It shook the floor and I was sure she was hurt. To her credit, she bounced back up like Rocky after being knocked down by Drago for the third or fourth time. After she said she was all right, I felt at ease to let out a laugh. Nothing sets off a big knee slapper like a woman almost knocking herself unconscious.
Ok, so a couple of weeks go by. I am still tickled by this first woman's fall, when - Crash! The woman behind this first woman who tripped goes down even harder. This woman is also older so this time I was sure she was hurt. But again, displaying the heart of a true champion, she got up and took her medicine. That medicine happenned to be dispensed by me in the form of a witty remark or two, which every once and a while needs a freshining. They are biding their time, waiting for me to trip and fall. Then, all hell will break loose. Let's hope that day never comes.
I have officially been sucked in!
Those of you who will read this blog probably know that I'm a die hard fan of all the Philadelphia sports teams. Since no team has won a championship in the last 25 years, I have died over 100 deaths, only to be "reincarnated" with new hope each team a new season starts. I think the dumbfounded look of former #2 overall pick Shawn Bradley best exemplifies my expression after each season. Check out the link for the 100 worst losses in Philly Sports History. I offer apologies for not attaching this site in a more clever fashion but I'm obviously not technologically gifted.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/more/05/14/philadelphia.drought/index.html
That bring us to the current state of the Philadelphia Phillies. Now, last season was very exciting, but they ripped out my heart out with a lacklaster playoff effort against the Colorado Rockies. That's the same Rockies who might be the worst team in the league this year. Granted, they've had some injuries, but they suck worse than a porn star with her jaw wired shut (But I digress).
Tonight's win over the hated Atlanta Braves was one of the best games I've seen all season. The Braves had shut down the Phillies all night. It's the top of the ninth and the Phillies manage to get 2 men on base. They're down 2-1 with 2 outs. Chris Coste hits a lazy pop fly into shallow right,an easy catch, and the game is over, right? Wrong; the second baseman dropped the ball and the Phils tied it at 2. An overly enthusiastic Pedro Felize is meat at the plate and we go to the 10th. Flash Gordon gets into trouble but manages to work out of a jam.
It's now the top of the 10th. Seldom-used Chris Snelling (he only had 3 at bats this year) smacks a double into center. Taguchi is in to pinch-run, and goes to third on a Rollins sac bunt. Shane Victorino smashes one to the base of the wall and legs out a triple. Taguchi scores and it's now 3-2. Utley follows with a clutch double to make it 4-2, with Brad Lidge coming into close. Lidge, in case you didn't know, is 15 for 15 in saves to this point.
The Braves get men on second and third with 2 outs, and the batter sends a screaming single up the middle. One run scores, and Victorino picks it up and throws the trailing runner out at the plate by a hair. Phils win! Phils win!
So as the title says, I have been officially sucked in...again. Maybe the tied is turning for this franchise and we might see a championship for the first time since 83. The again, maybe I'll look like Shawn Bradley again when the season is over.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/more/05/14/philadelphia.drought/index.html
That bring us to the current state of the Philadelphia Phillies. Now, last season was very exciting, but they ripped out my heart out with a lacklaster playoff effort against the Colorado Rockies. That's the same Rockies who might be the worst team in the league this year. Granted, they've had some injuries, but they suck worse than a porn star with her jaw wired shut (But I digress).
Tonight's win over the hated Atlanta Braves was one of the best games I've seen all season. The Braves had shut down the Phillies all night. It's the top of the ninth and the Phillies manage to get 2 men on base. They're down 2-1 with 2 outs. Chris Coste hits a lazy pop fly into shallow right,an easy catch, and the game is over, right? Wrong; the second baseman dropped the ball and the Phils tied it at 2. An overly enthusiastic Pedro Felize is meat at the plate and we go to the 10th. Flash Gordon gets into trouble but manages to work out of a jam.
It's now the top of the 10th. Seldom-used Chris Snelling (he only had 3 at bats this year) smacks a double into center. Taguchi is in to pinch-run, and goes to third on a Rollins sac bunt. Shane Victorino smashes one to the base of the wall and legs out a triple. Taguchi scores and it's now 3-2. Utley follows with a clutch double to make it 4-2, with Brad Lidge coming into close. Lidge, in case you didn't know, is 15 for 15 in saves to this point.
The Braves get men on second and third with 2 outs, and the batter sends a screaming single up the middle. One run scores, and Victorino picks it up and throws the trailing runner out at the plate by a hair. Phils win! Phils win!
So as the title says, I have been officially sucked in...again. Maybe the tied is turning for this franchise and we might see a championship for the first time since 83. The again, maybe I'll look like Shawn Bradley again when the season is over.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Numbnuts almost wins the spelling bee
I could have saved the kid a lot of trouble and just kicked him in the jimmies. Watch and enjoy.
Numbnuts (n) - What I will have when my date finds out I'm a spelling bee champion. On to the worlds!
Numbnuts (n) - What I will have when my date finds out I'm a spelling bee champion. On to the worlds!
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